I pursue a rawness of life
to tear this pretty skin
to die and live again
over and over
to recover from things
we have lost and are losing
with, without choosing to.
At times when I think of you
I shed layers and layers
wishing you could see me
glowing, an entity not made of hair
or strings, or attachments,
but a pure, soft movement of light
with no form
I'm thinking there's a demon in my mind keeping me from fully grasping this symbol, especially because I forgot, until recently, even when reminded, the metamorphasis element of butterflies. So there's something important there, for it to be blocked like that and so immediately, and for so long. (Thanks to and for the Screwtape letters for that.)
I looked over (instead of overlooking) the stages of butterflies, on a children's site, because I feel I should pursue it like a child, that knows nothing, that can assume nothing, and I found a lot.
The egg, for example, is laid on a leaf or a vine, usually, close to the food it should eat as a caterpillar. So the food is provided before it even comes into being, waiting for it to find it. I have been very blessed to usually have a wonderful ministry close by that will nurture me. I know I wouldn't be where I am without the ministries God has led me to in my life.
The caterpillar stage marks rapid growth, and the caterpillar needs a lot of feeding (note the childrens book ^-^). This is the stage of growth, and a continual shedding of skin is required for it to grow.
The chrysalis stage is the transformation process in which the caterpillars tissues are broken down and adult structures are formed. In this stage, it seals itself away, and blends into the background, but is changing. This is where I feel I am.
Last is the butterfly, which is fully transformed, and mobilized, able to move, able to fly. This form is unrestricted by the groundedness or immobility of it's previous forms. This is where I hope to be.
The butterfly's lifespan is not long. But it does reproduce, creating another egg, for the cycle to happen over again.
Here's an interconnected symbol, that I've always liked, and have always drawn alongside my butterflies: a phoenix. The butterfly, seems to me now, like a more complicated phoenix, as it has an additional stage: the Chrysalis. It is not born and then can immediately grow and fly, but it needs to seal itself away and shed former skins for it to come to the stage that it can move so freely.
See, I have found these things, and they make me happy, but I am not peaceful yet, I've still not meditated as much as I can, nor do I feel like I've fully grasped it. I can almost physically feel that there's a wall in my brain that has to come down first. At this point, though, regardless of whether or not it is my name, it will be my inspiration. Actually, butterflies have been appearing in my art for years, as well as in my friend's vision of me that one time. And that vision was after my desperate prayer for God to show that he knew me at all. It seems he did. :) Not only that, but my friend, who actually didn't and still doesn't know much about me, much less that I liked butterflies, said that she hated butterflies, and had asked God for something else, but felt that God told her it was important, and to tell that to me. Not only did God see to it that I got the image, but also that it was delivered by someone who didn't like and wouldn't have thought of butterflies on her own accord or preference. That was a vision I treasured over a lot of the others because of it.
And about the poem at the top, I found it on my computer from a while ago. But the title is new. Originally, it was about nothing in particular. Just an expression of feelings, mainly, of getting tired of how I can be sometimes. I opened the file randomly today, searching for answers to anything. Really, it's just that kind of day. I have an essay to write that I don't believe I can do and a book I don't believe I can read, so I'm kinda searching for answers to anything at all at this point. So, at first I was kind of idly praying, and looking it over, wondering what it meant. Then I went to go research butterflies, and later, when I closed out of the window, I discovered that the window with the poem was still open on my computer. Butterflies on the brain, I read it again, and smiled.
In conclusion, thank you so much, Bri.
And thaaaaaaaaaaaank you, God! :D
"Tradition, according to Ambrose, tells us that the rose had no thorns before the fall of humankind. After the fall, the rose grew thorns. The rose is still beautiful and fragrant as a reminder of Paradise, but the thorns are a reminder of sin’s devastating effects on the earth. 3. Because thorns represent original sin, the Virgin Mary is sometimes referred to as the “rose without thorns.” This refers to the Roman Catholic belief that Mary was protected from original sin so she might be a perfect vessel to give birth to a perfect child: Jesus. In art, roses depicted with Mary are always without thorns. 4. A garland of roses symbolize the Roman Catholic practice of the rosary. 5. Wreaths made of roses symbolize heavenly joy. In art, wreaths are usually worn by angels and saints."
about myself, about life, about a lot of things. I'll see what I have time to discuss.
So recently, someone (most likely God, though Satan loves twisting things to his advantage) has been pointing out quite a few things about me. Or, maybe not so many things, but it seems they're big things. Kind of like something you think of, and say "hey, I did this" then trace it back to your essential characteristics and actions observed since you were 3 or so. If that makes sense.
One of which was learned during basketball on Wednesday. I didn't post it then because I was still mulling it over. And I'm still mulling it over, so much so that I don't know who is really talking in my head, so I'm writing it out.
But in basketball, half the class didn't show up (day before fall break) so he stuck us with random people for teams and had us go against each other. I was with a team of complete strangers, going up against a couple of people from the team I usually play in. So, I didn't do so well on the team of strangers. In fact, it was kinda hard to will myself to try, like, at all. Usually, I try, I just suck regardless. This time, I was back to square one on suckingness, all of the improvement I've had over the semester gone. Now I know people naturally don't do too well when playing with strangers and forced to go up against their own team, because I've seen that, but my problem is, I didn't try. I had almost no drive at all. I was almost depressing, I think. So, anyway, in the middle of the game, I'm struggling for any way to make myself try harder. And my new team is trying, and I can't work up the will to do much for 'em, though I wanted to, because that would be fair! I know I was being unfair. So I thought "maybe if I come up with a way to like them" like, come up with a story for them, or find something endearing, or something. A. that's a strange thought to have in the middle of a game B. It's very hard to find time to think long enough in a game to follow through with that plan. Anyway, didn't work, but what I realised is, a big reason why I was doing progressively better, and was more motivated to try than in the beginning of the semester was that I'd gotten attatched to my team, and wanted to do well for them. It seems I have very little personal drive.
When I thought about that over dinner, I realized that most of my art projects are done for other people, or with other people in mind. When something is done only for me, I always put it off until the last moment, and sometimes just give up on it. My best work is produced, at least jewelry-wise, when it's a gift. I even wait until I have a gift to give to experiment with new jewelry techniques, I guess because I'm more into it then. doing it for just myself doesn't seem to work.
I can't really figure this out, but I know I've been doing this for a while, as I've thought of a lot of evidence.
Am I thinking myself in circles? Does everyone do this?
But then I've thought of my friend here, who is very self-driven and gets her work done, and strives to achieve the best grades, etc. I mean, a lot of people work for the best grades, or to be the best something-or-other. Even I did that in high school a bit. Not to be the best, but I certainly put forth a lot more effort into what I did than I do now. I think because my parents were closer then. I wanted them to be proud. See? Other people again.
I mean, I know I'm not completely dependent, as I can do things on my own, but I lack all the drive I have when I do it for other people. When I came to college, I experienced a complete motivation deficit, because I was on my own. I didn't really see the need in trying too hard for myself. Though, I think a lot of people are that way. But then, a lot of people aren't. Well, maybe not so many people aren't, but I really don't know that. You think people would be at least somewhat self-driven.
And it's funny, because I know I'm selfish in a lot of ways, so don't I have to be self-driven? Okay, that's thinking myself in a circle. Moving along.
Well, there's ways I can see to use this for good. And bad things about it, too. But when I think about it, I guess one isn't necessarily supposed to be driven by themselves, but by God, right? So I can depend on him for my drive more. Do things to please him. The problem with that relating back to the basketball game.
I didn't do well for the new team because they were strangers, and I wasn't motivated to fight for them.
That's wrong. I can't limit my motives to people I know or like. Thinking about it, that might be normal, but it's not Godly, because God is able to love anyone, and fights for all of us. And Jesus was willing to love anyone, and died for everyone. So my compassion cannot be limited to people I know. That's one of the lessons I learned.
Another one was, if I am to base my focus and motivation on God, He cannot be a stranger to me. I need to further my relationship with Him, and get as close as possible. That's a proclaimed must in the christian way, regardless, but it's a lot more apparent now. I have to try harder, and get closer, and really come to know Him, because He should be my source of inspiration, motivation, and everything, really. Not just things I lack, like I'm learning about. I think He's using those to show me this. I'm already completely dependent, but it's like I know it and don't act on it as I should. I know I should look to God for everything, but I don't. I know I should forsake all else, and all other directions, but I don't. But now, there's the sense that I have to, not that I didn't have to before, just that it's a lot more clear now.
So, it seems writing it out actually came to something :)
If this was a jarbled mass of nonsense, I wouldn't blame anyone for thinking so. I might try to explain it later, when i have some more directed thought put into it. If you have any commentary, insights, anything, I'd greatly appreciate it.
And I think I'll conclude with just that lesson for tonight. I really should do homework. :D
PS: don't ask me about the "location", it's expressing the utter nonsense my thoughts have been making recently and... that's about it. :D
I have pondered something long and hard, a recurring event. What causes it? What causes it?! But today, the effect was close enought to the cause, and I remembered, oh yes, I remembered.
Series of blue or green bruises, varying in severity, about the same size, about mid-thigh= running into the pointy end of an anvil... multiple times.
There you have it, one of life's mysteries solved!
And I must say, I am waaay too proud of myself. Especially because you'd think I would have learned not to bump into that bloody anvil by now.
So, if you read my journal postings, you'll see that I got a text message today from someone random.
That actually would be Brandon. He asked me where I'm working now.
Now, I feel no guilt in not responding, because it would cost my parents money for me to do so. I don't have a text messaging plan built into my phone plan, so it's not fair for me to do that. I receive them so that people can send me messages in the case of emergencies or important situations. (The day I pay for my own service, I'll add some text messages per month, sheerly for my own sanity.)
But, that raises a whole nest of issues I haven't begun to deal with yet.
And it also raises the question...
Did I ever apologize to you for that whole situation? I'm sure it was awkward and painful and all sorts of bad all-in-all. I don't think I ever did.
So, in light of that remembrance, I would like to apologize for any pain you experienced because of the short-lived "relationship" Brandon and I had. (I place "relationship" in quotes for several reasons. But, I'd rather not elaborate too much, because I fear that would re-open old wounds...)
Anyway. Life goes on!
I hope your day is going well. If you're home this weekend, maybe we could meet briefly or somethin'. If you're not busy.
Oh, and that reminds me, my Mommy was curious as to whether you were working at The Icing still.
Okay, I think that's quite enough spazziness for one day.